Five Gerunds of Mentoring
by
Samuel Leon Dumas
Do you remember the last game you mentored? Surely, almost all of us were there at the last play, and remember how we advised our miracle winning team to cross the goal plane by giving the ball to The Beast. They didn't listen to us, and, well, that was the sadly, Seattle rain on that mud puddle.
Mentoring, in truth, is not a game. At its origin mentoring was always about lives and deaths, —and many lives and deaths, both of the enemies and the defenders. In those times a mentor was sent to another country as a military advisor to teach strategy and build that country's future winnings.
The objective of mentoring today is also about lives and deaths. The mentee is advised on how they may best win the day and seize the ‘self’ which is dawning inside of them. During my early years when I was new at mentoring, I tried to develop what I called winning gerunds: tactics and strategies that the early military advisors might have brought with them when they came a-mentoring. Following, are a few I have formulated:
Five Winning Gerunds:
Teachings: Small Musket Firings
Envision packets of information puffing back and forth between a mentor and mentee, looking similar to the Civil War musket firings on both sides of a skirmish. Each packet is a teaching, whether short stories on how it was in the old days, or an exegesis on how the less was won, or a turbulent river forded with a single word spoken at the right time.
As in the middle European kingdoms, the mentor’s place today is in teaching the mentee how best to use the terrain, the waters, and the lawful seasons, which are already inside one’s country, to gain accessions. Additionally, as with countries, inside of each mentee there is a manager always present on the premises, —that soul-who which, day or night, is still in fear of under-the-bed monsters. This who, whether they be king or general or plebe, is the one who must listen to the mentor's teachings. It is they who must grasp and practice the given idea, and then use it to innovate real estate, plumbing, and time limits within their borders.
Opportunities are always surrounded by people, for undeniably, it is people who gather at the perimeter of something interesting. If two people build and keep building a relationship (adding dimensions), the masses ‘…will come’...whether their relationship is in the desert or not, —"they will come.”
Teaching by Adding a Dimension
The building material of a mentor is the data, the techniques, and the acquisition cards, which when added to the mentee’s inner domain, increases the dimension in the mentee enabling them to make more useful projections and perform real time applications. It is the many addings of these dimensions that eventually signal fortitude and maturity in the relationship, as well as in the person. The mentor-mentee relationship becomes a viable environment in which the mentee will grow; the longer the life of this mature relationship, the more consistent the wideness of the growth.
If the relationship is growing, if the mentor/mentee are welding up newer infrastructures in and around that relationship, then we, who stand beside, can see evidence that this ‘gerund of teachings’ is really working. This kind of relationship is also where the heaviness of word-learning takes place. After such a development, broader thought processes will be noticed coming from the mentee; there is seen a system of belief in the mentee which begins to intensify and further sustain the habit of measuring all things more carefully. And once dimensionally stretched, or self enlarged, the soul-who that is doing all the work inside, is never the same.
Draw a Line.
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(This line represents relationship: the Mentor-Mentee relationship, or even the parent-child relationship, etc.)
Above the line is found what the mentor knows; below the line is what the mentee knows. Obviously, the mentor side will have a greater collection in it.
Adding a dimension: the secret here is to add something to the relationship which the mentee does/may not know, because in our above illustration both white spaces immediately next to the relationship line are empty; at the beginning of a relationship there is nothing there, for neither participant has communicated. Until someone says a teaching, fires a shot or reads a sealed document, neither party can see what the other party knows: there are no puffs of information.
You may not be able to see much of what is in the mentee’s life (life here, does not mean the problems, consequences, or homelessness of a person; it means simply their life), but what you can see clearly, don’t enunciate that; either tell something that has been held secretly about that thing (say, Art, or Video gaming), or tell something entirely new about an extension of that thing which the mentee is unaware. Even if you know how the clearly known and the secret are related, never say the relational—just limelight the something-new with fanfare: the mentee will do the math and connect the hotspots for themselves--if they want the relationship to continue, and if they want more good stuff.
To further detail what will be happening: words from one side of the relationship line that will be new, attach to the relationship line; the mentee will think about the words, prompted by their present regard for the relationship established, and then will respond from their side of the relationship, resulting in a circle being formed on the relationship line. Both sides have contributed to the circle; verbalized or not, body languaged or not, and big or small, a circle has been formed. And it is that circle that can and usually sits there vibrating on the relationship line for as long as the living memory can last. Something old has met something new and has formed something of value to both parties.
[also will be true: that words from the mentee side will generate circles when they ‘open up’, so to speak, and the mentor connects with these words—whether the mentor expresses so or not. ]
Illustrated:
We all know how briefly the moment is in which we have the novice in front of us, captive for mere seconds to encourage, reprimand, interrogate, etc. The task here is to excite the novice about life, as probably never before, during that small time. If possible, try to do this each and every time they are standing in front of you. It is obvious that this is not a small task, but the mentor must become that military advisor, especially if they are not so at the beginning of the relationship. It is essential that this distinction of rank of the military advisor should show up at some point; best, if it shows up somewhat at the beginning of the relationship.
Adding a dimension, as described above, doesn’t—and usually shouldn’t—take but a moment. It really should be quick and lively, and not boring and long. If one is successful even once a day bringing a light into the muscles of a young face, that frequency should be enough to sustain the relationship. Even class-action reprimands, encouragements, etc., can also apply here: Think of how many circles of connections can be formed by an educator standing daily at the front of the class during a 180 days instructional cycle.
This growth, this success, is what a mentoring agency wants their audience/clients to finally see: valid, demonstrative change in the mentee. You will not see this level of success without progressive change/growth in the mentoring relationship. To put it graphically, it’s like any chemical or physics reaction: things that matter jiggle their way from, say, deserted shifting sand to business buildings at Las Vegas; or, from a humanitarian perspective, like youth wandering aimlessly, desiring ‘nothing’, and living along with the comparative emptiness of repetitive motions, jiggling themselves finally into the proud display of the glittering grill on the certificate of maturation. For us who will give back to our relations, we will see these cities of gold light up even in foreboding places.
Strategizings in Desert Places
Sometimes new corporate thought is formed from banterings that occur while in the restroom. Indeed, the small things laughed about, even the almost airhead of an idea from the last business meeting, can later start circles forming into new planets, ripe, as it were, for human galactic discovery. So, too, the small playful thinking-out-loud talk in a mentoring relationship can give birth to fresh, wider understandings about the game of life.
Indeed like astronomers who gain many new conjectures from observing the old gemstones in cosmic dust which lie billions of light years from us—things about its nebulous soul, so to speak, —so also, ‘I wonder statements’ in the mentoring relationship can present new lines of thought and theories of how to be well.
These are the many small, worth repeating time-talks of life, which include the very small thoughtful phrases which are expressed as just household bantering, or intermediate decision-making on things like when to buy the popcorn, before or after buying the ticket. These are those small maths, the strategizings done for the situation at hand, —and, done together, it is these time-talks which can modify any deserted feelings.
Mindful Respondings
In the answering of a question, there is the getting of a life. By that I mean, when the mentee asks why are things this way in the Corporation, or in the world, etc., the one who answers is tasked with giving a mindful response, and if the respondent does not have a life, it is enjoined on them to get one in order to give a detectable mindful response.
A mentor must marry the question and momentously join their whole interested mind toward a solvent answer for the known person in front of them. Having a relationship with the mentee makes it a little easier to build responses, especially if the mentor remembers the details that came from the get-to-know-you questions asked at the beginning of the relationship.
The how (display of the math) in the response is the great laughter and the prom joy; the heavy honor and the profound respect. In the how is also where the mentor gets to sing to the mentee. (and I have always maintained that when there is no singing going on in a classroom, there is not much learning temperature either.) Additionally, if the mentor, along with their answer, offers with it a word of thanks to the mentee for choosing to ask for help, the mentor’s how becomes complete, genuine, and balanced. If a person asks their mentor a question, it generally indicates that the mentee has a life at that moment which desires to move forward, and has determined to proceed by asking a mentor—even if the mentor is the hundredth person to which the mentee has asked that question.
A Wave of Answers
We all have come to realize that most questions are thoroughly put to rest only after the giving of several mathematical answers. When one answers with a parent platitude like ‘always will be that way,’ or ‘because…’ they close off tidal leverage and deny to some degree due process for the mentee. The first try at an answer for any question ‘from the top of their mind’, so to speak, can always be followed by revision. In today’s world, technology requires frequent updates—to almost everything. You’ve said this before, yourself: “I should have included that, also…” Drafts from great authors consistently exhibit this same pattern of afterthought. And as P. Hollister once said in my hearing, “The wonderful thing about a presentation is that you can always make it better.”
This swell of answers can be likened to alternating current in electricity: The second try at the answer may arrive 1/ 60th of a minute later, or days of a week later. But it must arrive, —this alternating current must underlift the question more than once, because a life is staked with it. This process--questions and answers in relationships—is a construction site that is paused for inspections, then under repair again, then paused for inspection—going on like so, almost forever. This is the only way the question’s real answer will yield healthy opportunities and work success.
Real answers are an aggregate of a long term life assurance.
The Quality of the Response.
The heaviness of the answer (the aggregate) validates the mentee’s effort; shows that they were right in asking the question. When validation is there the mentee takes the answer, and listens with sharpened attentiveness for all the whisperings that reside in the answer. The heaviness of the aggregate may blow them away at first but later in calm remuse they may believe, just barely, that this mentor truly has somewhat to offer them. This boost of morale will encourage them further to find more questions to ask. This is exactly what the Walrus was pointing to when it said, ‘the time has come…to talk of many things…’
There should be no fear or reluctance in the giving of complex details by the mentor, because in the plethora of details is found the kind of sustenance most often hungered for: food that can provide a snack, or even completely feed the mentee for years to come. And if it is a relatively new question for the mentor, there is future completions in the aggregate for both parties.
Math-things
The mentor’s desire is to get the mentee from one stage to another, and then from that stage to yet another. And like any process or movement, or even any ‘spooky actions at a distance’, the movement will involve math-things. The going from one stage to another is in fact the age old process of vending from the present to the future: going from ‘being who you was to who you was not.’
When a mentee processes the new information given them they must do math; they must connect new dots to old ones, and as they watch themselves using the new combined information they begin to see its usefulness in their future. The resultant expectations of the future use of this information is what produces that excitement and that quick burst of enthusiasm. Something old married thoughtfully to something new always produces new math-things, math-things one can hardly wait to try out.
New Rulers
As the mentee is introduced to new formulas, new protocols or new access routes, i.e. security codes, they are empowered with these new rulers to formulate new mathematical arrangements —experiments, if you will. As the mentor-mentee relationship grows, the number of math-things should increase exponentially as well, and so too the number of calculations they will do together at each meeting. The two will often find that their ‘talk’ becomes more cryptic in order to pack more good stuff into the time they have.
The number of calculations seen at the beginning of the mentor-mentee relationship will vary owing to the naiveté of the mentee at that point. So, the more terminology the mentee knows at that point, the more motivational excitement that can be generated during that stage. Not just good orientations should be performed, but excelling orientations must be offered to the mentee before they are ‘adopted’ into a relationship with a person who is light years ahead of them in the fields yet to be explored.
Growth in math-things is essential for the mentee, whether they perform mathematics at some grade level or not. We are not dealing with growth in test taking, etc, but trying to re-experience those no-name things of math that were at play when the mentee was 10 months old.
It is highly important to pre-train the mentee for the dynamics of the first meeting, so that if possible, they will choose to bring more math-things to use during the first moments of the relationship. It is desirable, then, to bring the mentee to choose to click on the like in the relationship from the very first meetings.
The drawn line above also represents the two different, scary unknowns that come together. The blank white on either side of the line is like that first meeting before any words are said. Then words are said and voila! circles happen and a relationship has increased. Excelling pre-training goes a long way here, especially when the mentee is often the one who is still recovering from the past and will be trying to do most of their inner repair work for themselves. Additionally, when the mentor sees that the youth has brought math-things with them to the introductory meeting, they also will click on the like in the relationship; and the mentee will not fail to see it.
As the growth of the mentee doubles, so too will be seen a multiplication of responsibilities—for both the mentor and the mentee. If there is a ‘handler’ of the mentor-mentee relationship, care must be taken by the handlers to allow both parties as many years as possible to keep clicking on the like in the relationship so that the habit becomes so valuable that neither participant is likely to throw away the relationship at another time of trauma.
With new rulers like these comes a whole new world of math for the mentee. They will, can and must use these rulers within themselves, as they dream and plan in new fervor, becoming more proficient at caring about their future mistakes.
The Measurings of Mankind
Only the human inside can prevent the human events called ‘forest fires’, —in the vernacular we say, ‘Crash and burns’. It is the individual inside who must begin the rebuilding and continue the maintenance of the personhood. That is why the getting-started process is such an alone task, feared with dread by all.
Enter: mentorship.
During the starting process, the mentor, will perhaps point out the markings on the rulers that might be used in their relationship (i.e., norms), and tell some of the names and science usage for the parts of the self-mind that go well with those markings. So what would be the first order of the mentee’s task? Assessment of self. This, to see how much life is really, actually there inside after the trauma of years, the knowledge of abandonment, or the endurance under mistaken approaches to conflict. If one only has a vague knowledge of how big their self is in rulership—or even DNA—they will measure life and other places with that vagueness. By illustration: if one measures wood, say, with a try square that has no inch markings on it, can fine woodworking be done? Again, if one uses a self which is severely ill-repaired to measure their past life, then the beauty of the future will be off by greater or lesser margins. The effects of those mis-measurings will fall like large trimmings at ones feet, itchingly impeding the ankle-business of the bones with the shoes.
This first task must be directed to self because the measuring of self will be done by the king inside, and true self-esteem means to measure self, to put a value on that self, and then periodically reference that measurement while going through future scenes. The more this self measuring is practiced, coupled with the growth and repair of the individual inside, the stronger and broader the self-esteem becomes.
Self-esteem is something which exists in all creatures. Though each creature may vary in its self-awareness, self-esteem is never acquired by the help of others, therefore cannot be given. It can be damaged in the individual but not lost to zero. It is always present somewhere in the plumbing, —and it always works. By instinct I measure, therefore I exist.
After assessment of self, the broad fellowship of the measurings of mankind will follow; This is that intense journey toward the mastering of all the maths of life. These measurings will involve other ‘places’ —like recollection, past people settings, and the most perplexing of all ‘places’: our dates with the future.
Looking in That Place Which Has No Mirrors
In every mentor-mentee relationship, the persons who evolve from it must, at some point, look into that place which has no mirrors. This is the past, whether it is just a few moments ago, or deep into the yesterdays of an ancestor’s life. This look is re-examination, reflection, and thoughtfulness—just that, and not much more. A mentor can greatly oversee some of the measuring that must be done there among these many awkwardly turned dimensions, and then together the two parties can advance to the next set of stages with well measured and well fortified accessions.
When we obtain accurate understandings about our past, we gain new perspectives on the present, or, at the least, we gain additional confidence. With those two views set side by side, we can choose onward into the future, and because of the insight thus obtained, better survive there. It is in the future that we either repeat things of the past or meliorate the present, and thus augment the situations that future consistently allows us to control.
The measurings of mankind is always about the measuring of selfs. And all selfs have an exalting beauty, from the lowly bugs that sip malaria, to mankind that rules ages. On this planet, progress has always ‘stuffed-on’ about its corporate business self; but the chief crown of progress will always be the historic selfs of mankind: those living and those departed who have measured, made and added multiple dimensions to our progressional façade.
Thus, the quality one gains in their individual future is reflected in the measurings done on the moments surrounding their own opportunities.
With the above five gerunds and an en garde self-esteem, it is hoped that one may wield out a someplace for themselves in the histories, lives and cultures of all their discovered countries.
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